One Year Later

It was one year ago today that my youngest son Judah stopped breathing. To be honest, as this day drew closer my heart was flooded with a myriad of emotions.  Thankfulness.  Fear.  Anxiety. Love.  Some days the fear wins.  But there is no trouble, no bad days that will ever keep our Daddy God from us.  When I am on the floor fighting away the wave of anxiety He is right there with me.  When Judah's lungs sound wheezy and his temperature rises He is with us and for us.  

A couple of weeks ago I had a massive panic attack after a not so lovely trach change here at the house.  Judah had fought us during the process and clenched his stoma closed.  We worked to place the new trach in his airway and finally got it.  Mike saw it coming on me and he and the nurse took over, I fled to our bathroom and instantly the vise of the panic attack gripped me.  Once behind closed doors, I dropped to the floor hyperventilating. Even in the brokenness He was with me.  Gently, lovingly He whispered, "Sing." Crawling to our iPod I pulled up the song "God is Able" by Hillsong.  At first my mouth couldn't form the words but my spirit sang with everything it had. With every phrase, every declaration of truth the vise loosened.  Soon I was on my feet hands upraised singing out the praises of our God.  

That is the faithfulness of our Daddy God.  I do not know what the next 365 days hold for us. But I do know the One who holds all of our days in His hands.  And in that I take heart.

He is with us.  He is for us. We trust Him.

xoxo Jessie